Is your divorce turning you into an emotional vampire?

Monday, 13 March, 2017

Let's start by answering these questions:

Do you feel that people don’t, can’t or just won’t understand what you’re going through or the problems you face?
Do you feel like people who should only be supporting you are wrongly supporting your ex?
Are you surprised how quickly your friends and family expect you to get over this tough time of your life?
Do you feel like most other people's lives are much simpler than yours?
Do you feel you have no control over making any improvements to most areas of your life?
Do you often feel as though you don’t receive the appreciation that you deserve?
Are your friends and family complaining that you haven’t listened to them when in fact, you feel like they’re not listening to you?
Do people around you piss you off to the point where you are often fighting and arguing with them?
Does your life careen from one drama to the next and it’s just getting worse?
Do bad things keep happening to you which aren’t your fault?
Do you find yourself feeling secretly relieved and saying, (or at least thinking) I told you so when someone else's relationship is in trouble?
Do you set a lot of goals for yourself that you abandon because of certain hurdles you unavoidably encounter?
Have people just disappeared from your life; not returning calls, unable to make time to meet up and not communicating when you feel you’ve done nothing to deserve that kind of treatment?
Do you feel as though others have dull, trivial issues in their lives which are too painful to listen to them bemoan?
Do you notice that people often take half a step back, turn side on to you or look over your shoulder when you are talking?

If you answered “yes” to more than half of the questions above, then I’m sorry to tell you, you might be going through an emotional vampire stage.

If this is you right now, sort your shit out!

Stop your pity party and start making positive changes in your life, before you suck the life out of any good relationships you have remaining.

How to recognise an emotional vampire

Emotional vampires are common. They walk amongst us. I’ve known them. I’ve been one!

They come in a lot of different forms, often appearing engaging and entertaining at first but emotional vampires are exhausting. They suck the life out of you. They always have drama going on in their life that’s more worthy of discussion than what's going on in everyone else’s life.

Emotional vampires suffer from low self-esteem, but not all people with low self-esteem are emotional vampires.

All emotional vampires display three main traits.

1. A constant need for attention from others.

You’ll struggle to get a word in as they drone on about their dick of a boss, their crazy ex-wife, their pig of an ex-husband. They tell you the ins and outs of the problems these people have caused them, over and over again. Any attempt by you to shift the topic will be brought straight back around to their favourite subject, them, with a “that’s not as bad as what so and so did to me ….”.

They have no hesitation in ruining someone else’s special moment with a grand public outburst to bring the attention back to them. Perhaps they will take a phone call and shout at an ex within earshot of everyone at work, make inappropriate remarks to take someone else down or sulk and have a tantrum, storming out in a dramatic attention seeking show about some perceived insulting behaviour from someone.

Then, they will expect you to side with them and affirm their actions.

2. A lack of self-awareness

This lack of self-awareness means that they are unable to recognise their self-defeating behaviour and extends to failing to pick up on the subtle (or not so subtle) cues from friends and loved ones that they should change something and move on.

They have no empathy for others and will not spare any more than a cursory acknowledgement of another’s grief or misfortune. They are only concerned with themselves.

Their lack of self-awareness means they don’t measure or don’t care whether the attention they must achieve through their overpowering behaviour is positive or negative. All attention is good in their world.

3. It’s never their fault

Emotional vampires are not accountable for their role in their current circumstances. They always play the victim. They believe things happen to them, through no fault of their own and they are powerless to change the outcome, and like narcissists, emotional vampires often have delusions of grandeur.

These two factors often play out together. They overestimate their likeability or skills while making any failings about the other person. If other people don’t want to team with them or they are left off the guest list for events, it’s only ever because those people are jealous, stuck up or delusional.

The self-fulfilling prophecy

After a short time, most people will bristle and give an emotional vampire some form of negative feedback, which has to be relatively stern for them to notice at the time. Often, the person will just move away.

This reinforces the emotional vampire's impression that most people are dickheads, racists, bigots, snobs, etc.. They don’t consider that it’s their excessively needy, whingeing, overbearing, offensive and negative behaviour that drives them away.

Meanwhile, it’s pretty clear to everyone else the reason they encounter these reactions is that they are behaving like a dickhead, racist, bigot, snob, etc..

The attention seeking behaviour intensifies because they feel even more victimised.

Relationships of any sort with these people are toxic. They suck the energy out of you, and soon enough your other relationships and endeavours will suffer.

It’s unsustainable, and most people eventually walk away.

How to stop being an emotional vampire

Well done! You are still reading. If you're thinking 'oh, no, that's me!', don't be too hard on yourself. Most people go through hardship during their life and divorce is right up there with most difficult of life experiences. Falling into the trap of self-pity is easy, but you don't have to stay there. Just because you find yourself in a rut is no excuse for furnishing it and moving in.

Try these three changes in your life to claw yourself back towards a happier you.

1. Develop an attitude of gratitude

There is always something to be grateful for, always. So, write down at least one thing each day for which you are thankful. If your life sucks at the moment, be grateful for the successes and joys of others.

Try to focus on what you still have, rather than what you have lost. Revisit your gratitude list from time to time to reinforce your good fortune.

If you are indeed stuck in a rut and can’t think of a single thing to be grateful for, check your pulse!

2. Recognise that you are part of the problem and be accountable

You are where you are because of the decisions you have made to date. Sure, some of your outcomes are half chance but so are everyone else’s.

It seldom occurs to narcissists and emotional vampires but if you have the feeling that most of the people you meet are lame, miserable, negative people, start with the common denominator, you!

Stop playing the blame game.

Seriously, it's you!

The beliefs you keep telling yourself about others are self-defeating and limiting your chances of happiness.

Change you, and you will be surprised at the change that brings about in others.

3. Be kind

Practice random acts of kindness.

Start by thanking the friends who have stood by you when you have not been at your best.

Volunteer your time, your energy or skills. My mother used to tell me there was always someone who was worse off than me. She was right. Find people who need help and help them.

Challenge yourself for the next ten days to make a positive difference to one person’s life each day. It need only be a smile, a compliment or a deliberate and sincere thank you.

They may not be in a position to show their gratitude so don’t stop after three days thinking as per usual no one appreciates me. You will make an impact, and it will be two fold. Stop focusing on you and just do it. If you do, the positivity you gain over time from your acts of service will improve your well-being.

You will be making the world a better place; the very same world you live in.

Are we done yet?

So, if you've read this far and you’re thinking ‘yes, but that’s ok for you, you’ve just forgotten how bad it is or, my problems aren't actually my fault, or you don’t understand, you are a snob, racist, disconnected moron … ' then please click HERE and read the next article slowly and very carefully.