Cheating, or infidelity, is one of the most challenging problems that can arise in a relationship and often leads to eventual divorce.

 

I do not consider myself a cynical person. I always give people the benefit of the doubt, and I encourage you to do the same.

However, I will not be blatantly taken for granted, and nor should you.

If you suspect your partner is having an affair, you should follow your intuition to alleviate or confirm your concerns.

"The beauty of  truth: whether it is good or bad, it is liberating." ~ Paul Coelho

 

In my experience and for most people I work with as a divorce coach, confronting a partner you suspect of cheating is usually met with denial and countered with accusations that make you doubt yourself, sometimes to the point of thinking you might be overly paranoid and losing your marbles.

Unless you have absolute proof, most cheaters will not own up to it. Even when confronted with irrefutable evidence, they are likely to continue to deny it or only admit to the minimum of what they think you already know.

It can take a long time and repeated confrontations to get to the bottom of the truth. Sometimes, you'll be better off to deal with the result of your investigations and accept that you will never know the truth.

 

10 of the most common signs that your partner is cheating

The signs listed below are often cited as indicative of someone having an affair. However, it is quite possible that your partner could exhibit these behaviours and be completely loyal to your relationship.

What would be a warning sign in someone else’s relationship might be of no concern for you. 

When you start to notice your partner suddenly exhibiting a cluster of these behaviours, perhaps it is time to pay a little more attention and take precautions to protect yourself physically, emotionally and financially.

 

1. Increased social media and internet activity

If you notice your partner changing their email, computer or social media passwords more than usual, chances are they are trying to hide something.

• Take notice if there is an obvious increase in the amount of time your partner spends on social networks each day, especially if they are not sharing their interactions with you.  

• If a partner is randomly unfaithful, they could start to make their social media profiles look as though they are "single" by updating their profile picture and not posting “happy couple/happy family” shots.

• If they are having an affair with a person who knows that they are already in a relationship and is happy to play along with the cover-up, they may change their profile to portray the exact opposite by posting photos of the two of you together; to throw you off the scent so to speak.

• Compare the amount of time your partner is on social media with the activity on their usual profile. They may have created new profiles not shared with you.

 

2. Cellphone habits change

When you have a healthy relationship cell phones are used openly in each other’s presence. Be wary if your partner answers the phone and quickly moves to somewhere you cannot overhear their conversation. Other than planning a surprise party for you, your partner should be comfortable with you overhearing their conversation.

• Has your partner recently become more protective of their phone?

• Are they taking it with them to the bathroom or when they leave the room for just a few minutes?

• Have they recently upgraded the access security on their phone?

• Do they receive an increase in ‘dropped calls’ or ‘wrong numbers’ when answering calls in your presence?

 

3. Change in desire for sex and intimacy

If your cheating partner is getting their sexual needs met outside of your relationship, then their desire for sex may decrease. Often, feelings of guilt lead to increased affection towards you. Newness and excitement with another lover can also lead to him or her experiencing an overall increase in sexual interest with both you and their secret lover.

• Does your partner have a new sense of bravado in the bedroom?

• Does your partner want to be more adventurous in your sex life than usual?

• Have they stopped connecting emotionally with you during and after intimacy?

• If you find you have an STD and you know you did not stray, well … enough said!

 

4. Covering their tracks

Setting up their computer or phone to automatically clear search history or operate incognito is a big red flag. Other things to look out for include turning off location services on phones and iPads and clearing the history of the navigation system in their car.

Perhaps they are security conscious. The more likely explanation is that they are trying to cover their tracks because whatever they are doing, is not something they want you or anyone else to find out.

Cheaters typically use cash instead of card transactions to make it more difficult to trace where they have been and on what, or whom, they spent the money.

 

5. Increase in activities that don’t involve you

Take note if your partner starts attending more events alone, staying long hours at work, not eating at home, taking up an activity that they know very well you have no interest in and are unlikely to want to tag along.

If you have children, there may be a decline in the number of activities they attend with you and the children. A cheating partner may be unusually indifferent to family events like birthdays and holidays allowing or preferring you to go alone.

 

6. Unaccounted for lack of money

Watch your budget. If there seems to be less disposable income available and no obvious signs as to where that is going, pay attention. If your partner suddenly starts removing cash from the bank account when they have previously used their bank card or peculiar transactions appear on the credit card statement, you may have a problem.

 

7. Physical appearance

Try not to jump to conclusions about this point as we all go through stages in life when we decide enough is enough and it’s time to reign in the muffin top, get a little fitter and generally improve our self-image and overall health.

• Does your partner suddenly have new clothes they wouldn’t normally buy themselves, say new underwear or something quirky that’s out of character?

• Have you noticed a different perfume or aftershave on your partner's clothes?

• Have they changed their image in an attempt to look younger or sexier?

• Are they grooming themselves more so than they usually do?

People who are having an affair do get an added spring in their step with increased self-esteem. They often increase their physical activity and generally take better care of their appearance. Items of clothing and scents are personal gifts a secret lover can give which, if questioned by a suspicious partner, can easily be explained away. Coupled with an increased obsession with personal appearance, a change in their clothing or personal items is a double whammy red flag and may be worth further investigation.

 

8. Irritability and laying blame on you

Having an affair takes considerable time and energy. You have to remember the lies you told and there is an increased demand on your time as you try to spend time with the secret lover and maintain enough of an appearance of togetherness so the betrayed partner doesn't become suspicious. There is a drain on finances and it may have an impact on productivity. Affairs can be quite stressful for the person cheating.

• Does your partner seem tired and irritable?

• Is your partner becoming more critical of you?

• Do they seem to be picking more fights?

• Are they refusing to communicate and stonewalling you?

Usually, there is a fair amount of guilt involved for the cheater and denial and blame are coping mechanisms they use to justify their actions. People having an affair tend to rewrite their story and find ways to blame their partner. It starts with grumbling about small incidental events they feel aggrieved by and consider to be your fault. Eventually, they morph their truth, so in their mind, it’s not their fault they are having an affair. They believe their own story that they were practically forced into it by your behaviour; then there’s even less that they have to deny.

 

9. Jealousy or lack of it

If your partner doesn't show any jealousy about you, no matter what you do or say, there could be either a complete disinterest in you or, they do not want to provoke your thoughts about potential jealousy over their actions. Oddly, though, many cheaters are insecure at heart, and they seek to alleviate their guilt by convincing themselves that you're just as capable of cheating as they are. Weirdly, jealousy over you and your actions can increase even though they are the one having the affair. A cheating partner often gets defensive and accuses you of the same if you mention infidelity or affairs. Sometimes, however, they disengage to the point they practically ignore you and you can't even get them to fight with you. It's almost as though they are waiting for you to explode and pull the pin on the relationship so it takes the focus of them.

 

10. Increase in gifts and acts of kindness

Cheaters will often try to cover their guilt and appease you with displays of affection in the form of gifts or kind actions.

• Is your partner randomly giving you more gifts?

• Do birthday, or other special occasion gifts seem excessive?

• Is there an increase in your partner offering to do kind things; take the kids out for a few hours, bring you breakfast in bed, shout you to a special event with friends?

Often kind acts double as a way to ensure you are not with them but they know where you will be, which gives them more freedom. If you are surprised by the sudden amount of attention and gifts you’re receiving, it might be worth investigating an ulterior motive behind them.

 

 

When should you act on your suspicions?

If you find  several of these 10 signs of cheating suddenly and concurrently occurring in your relationship, it’s a fairly good indicator that your partner may not be completely honest with you.  

It doesn't necessarily mean that your partner is having an affair, but it could be a strong warning that for whatever reason, your relationship needs attention.

It’s often not helpful to out-and-out accuse a partner of being unfaithful. Rather than confront someone you suspect with accusations of events and behaviour you perceive as evidence, talk to them. Try to understand what is going on for them and where you can both make changes to improve your relationship.

As a mediator and divorce coach, I see first-hand the pain and turmoil the breakdown of marriages and de facto relationships can bring. My personal view in most circumstances is that if there is a problem, but there is a chance of rehabilitating your relationship, then try your best to work through it with your partner and save your relationship. I know many couples who have done so and gone on to have stronger, more loving relationships for having overcome adversity.

Don’t be afraid to seek the assistance of accredited counsellors and mediators to help you resolve your issues or, to draw the line and walk away.

Even if your relationship does not survive, the benefits of improved understanding and communication will help you to transition through the inevitable next stage.

 

USEFUL READING:

How can you benefit from counselling through the process of preparing to separate?

When should you leave your relationship?

Why the Benefits of Divorce Mediation Are More Than Just Financial

Are you in love with a narcissist?

Divorce isn't fair ... and nor is a black dog's bum

How to get divorced in Australia

 

If you are considering your next move or have decided to end your relationship, you should start to educate yourself.  I know the overwhelming feelings of making these decisions and facing your new realities. My book, The First Steps through Separation and Divorce will guide you through the emotional and practical aspects you may need to address in the coming weeks, months and years.

Get a feel for what's covered: View the Table of Contents.

Click here to get your copy
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Published by, Christine Weston
Founding Director and Creator of Divorce Resource
Australian Nationally Accredited Mediator and Divorce Coach