How to spot a narcissist

Wednesday, 1 November, 2017

We all have narcissistic personality traits in varying degrees.

Some characteristics, such as self-confidence and self-sufficiency, are healthy and beneficial.

Narcissists take it to the next level, displaying a basket full of abhorrent behaviours coupled with overly generous servings of self-esteem, grandiosity and egocentricity. They are arrogant and conceited.

Narcissists genuinely believe that they are more intelligent and more physically attractive than pretty much everyone else.

They are vain and prefer to be admired over being liked. In their partners, they prefer good looks, "a solid 9 or 10", over kindness or integrity.

We all know annoyingly confident and arrogant people, but it’s only at the extreme end of the spectrum that narcissism becomes a disorder. A person with a narcissistic personality disorder can be extremely controlling, manipulative and exploitative.

Being in a relationship with a ‘Narc’ is harrowing, and many people end up feeling that they are the one who is somehow to blame for the constant misunderstandings, or the start to question whether perhaps they could be going slightly mad themselves.

So how do you spot a Narcissist?

The way they speak

Narcissists love the sound of their voice, but others don’t.

They constantly interrupt others, talk loudly with excessive hand movements, often swear and use more sexually charged language than others in their conversation. They often talk down to people, brag and big note themselves. They continually refocus the topic back to them and start "glazing over" when others try to get involved in the conversation.

Sexually “adventurous”

Narcs like to maintain control in relationships. They periodically remind you as their partner that they have other options, and yet they continue to choose you. Narcs know that the partner with the least interest in the relationship has the greatest power.

Their other choices will often involve promiscuity. Narcissists with a committed partner are even more likely to cheat because they expect to get away with it. Studies have suggested that narcs get off on convincing their sexual partners to do things or engage in sexual acts that they wouldn’t normally feel comfortable with.

Charming and well-groomed

Narcissistic women typically dress more provocatively and can be engaging and more flirtatious than their peers. Male narcissists care about their appearance and can be quite a show-off around the ladies. Both men and women narcs conform to the age-old stereotypical sexual strategies.

Highly reactive to criticism

Criticism of their character can be like water off a duck's back. Telling them, they are “being a jerk” is unlikely to bother them because your opinion of their behaviour doesn’t matter. Tell them they are unattractive, boring or not very bright and they are likely to become enraged often hitting back with stinging criticisms of you. They can dish out the dissing, but they can’t take it, and they are likely to exaggerate their answers, blame others or outright lie rather than admit to any wrongdoing, fault or vulnerability.

Lack of empathy

Narcs are incapable of putting themselves in the shoes of anyone less fortunate than themselves. They can’t feel the emotions of grief, fear or joy for others. They seem to be entirely missing the empathy gene.

Control is important to them

Control is so important to narcissists; their charm disappears very quickly if you criticise or threaten them. They can turn on you in an instant, and this two-faced behaviour is often the first clue to their true nature. They get furious if you reject them and punish those who don’t play the game their way.

They never take the blame

Even when they lie, cheat or break the law, they are never accountable for their actions.

It's always someone else's fault, and if you are in a relationship with them, they will probably say it is yours!

They will admit the deed, sometimes even bragging about it, but they will never admit to being at fault.

"You shouldn't be able to buy a car that does 180kms comfortably if they don't expect you to drive at that speed," or “Yes, I did start an affair when you were eight months pregnant, but what was I supposed to do? You were too wrapped up in being a new mum, and you weren’t loving me enough.”

Run a mile

Narcissists won’t change.

They think the problem is with everyone and everything else, not them.

They genuinely believe it, and they will have you doubting yourself in time.

Don’t try to change them or understand them, just save yourself and get out of the relationship.

Written by Christine Weston
Published by Divorce Resource