Are you thinking about getting back into dating?
Ready to jump onto Plenty of Fish or Tinder while you're cooped up in your home on your own or with people you do not want to date?
It's fun, exciting and not just for the young or desperate daters. Online dating is the best modern tool available for singles all over the world!
With a quick, simple profile and a photo of yourself, you'll be able to get back into the dating groove and be reminded that you are not alone out there.
There are people to date everywhere!
When you feel it's time to search the web and find new prospects, going online can be a major step post-divorce! Ask a friend, family member or dating coach to help you get your profile up and running.
Here are some tips about getting yourself ready to date again, in no particular order:
1. Pamper yourself.
Your self-esteem takes a beating when you separate or get divorced - regardless of how it ended or who tapped out of the relationship. Now is the time to really take care of yourself. Eat well. Sleep well ... difficult, I know. Treat yourself. If money is tight and you can't spare coin for a special splurge, just do something that takes time and effort, not money. Sounds cliched, but take a long bath, find a warm comfy spot and indulge yourself by lazing with a coffee, glass of wine (name your poison) and the sports pages or a good book. Just slow things down and take the time to pamper yourself with something you wouldn't ordinarily make time for. Everyone else can wait. You are worth it!
2. Stay connected...
Your friends and family are vital for company and support. Staying connected and spending time with them gives you activities to talk about when you're on dates and allows you to include your new date into group activities. But stay clear of "bashing" your ex when you are with your friends or they will find you tiresome and stop inviting you. Everyone knows there were issues with your ex's behaviour towards you in one form or another. If there weren't, you'd still be together. So, keep the conversations positive. Every time you rehash old stories of how they hurt you will only keep you in a depressed state of mind and will carve those wounds deeper into your psyche.
3. Get out and try new things.
Now, more than ever, is a great time to try new things. You are rediscovering who you are without your partner. Trying new things will help you to test yourself to reconnect with strengths and interests you may have been neglecting. It's likely to build your confidence and a great opportunity to meet new people, that may or may not develop into dating prospects.
4. Be a leader (not a hunter).
A hunter is someone who follows or pursues someone else. It is a short-lived ego boost for the hunted, but ultimately not attractive (you're too easy to get). A leader, however, creates value because he/she has a full life, and their time is scarce. You are perceived as being a challenge to get your time and attention, thus, making you more desirable. — Divorced Guys
5. Start now.
Why? There are three reasons to start dating again now.
First, to practice dating, getting ready for when it will really matter.
Second, to get comfortable around romantic prospects again — it's like working out, you have to get back into "dating shape."
Third, it builds your self-confidence, improving your appeal! — Divorced Guys
6. Be happy.
Take time to reflect on all of the positive things you have accomplished in your life. Exude happiness and know in your heart you have the power to create the life you want.
"Happiness is contagious and a very attractive quality." — Divorced Guys
7. Don't be desperate.
Desperation creates a feeling of being needy. If you are communicating that you'll change or do anything for him/her it lowers your value.
Remember the saying, "people want what they can't have and don't want what they can have." — Divorced Guys
8. Don't use your kids.
That is, don't try to create a date with someone new by manifesting a "playdate" with both of your kids at the park ... at least not until you know that this person will be in your life for the longer term. It's just plain awkward for your kids and prevents you from really being the "non-mum" or "non-dad" version of yourself. It's important that any new prospective partners see you as an adult that is separate from your very important role as a Mum or Dad, especially when you are just getting to know each other. While you want to see how your kids will interact with your someone special, make that meeting intentional and focused on making the kids comfortable, once you are fairly sure this person is going to be in your life long term. Since that is not the case when you are dating and getting to know someone, this is the case where "killing two birds with one stone" is just a bad idea.
9. Don't talk about your ex.
Don't discuss the parenting schedule or why you separated in any detail on the first five dates. Do talk about what you learned from your marriage and divorce, how you grew as a person and who you are now! Especially avoid any bashing or complaining. Remember, every ex is somebody else's "jerk" or "crazy b*tch," so if you avoid that conversation, you can truly see the other person as who he or she is today, rather than the role they played in their past relationship. And, you can almost guarantee that the picture they paint of themselves and their role in the demise of their relationship isn't likely to be the whole truth. There are always 3 sides to every divorce story ... always!
10. Give yourself permission to get your crazies out.
Especially if you were in a long-term relationship for a very long time. Be honest about your post-divorce relationship goals. Are you really looking for another long-term partnership? Or, are you wanting to play the field, get comfortable with your sexuality, or just practice dating? It's developmentally appropriate to sew your wild oats (safely, of course) if you skipped dating in your 20s and 30s because you were in a marriage or long-term partnership. Allowing yourself to play and have fun can build confidence so that when you are ready to date for love, you bring your authentic, powerful self to the table.
11. Get a makeover!
Your life has changed, and you can put a positive spin on it by looking your best!
Makeover your entire life from head to toe with a few easy and reasonable updates! While you recovering from a break-up, stay at home with the extra time to go through that wardrobe and revamp your clothing choices. Trim your hair and update your wardrobe with a new outfit. Try out new make-up techniques and spend time selecting a few outfits that you are comfortable in for all kinds of different occasions. Clean your shoes, and tidy up your bedroom ... just in case!
12. Hit the gym!
Nothing better than a great sweat session to take out your frustrations! Can't afford the gym, then just find something heavy-ish around the house and lift it for multiple repetitions. Pick up one of the doorway gyms, or other equipment that people with good intentions at the beginning of last year have barely used. Go out and exercise with a brisk walk or a run, just get your heart rate up with some exercise. Looking good and feeling great is life's sweetest revenge!
13. Re-decorate!
Without having to break the bank, you can restyle your home. Pick up a new accent pillow and a blanket throw to add to your home. Replace old photos of you and your ex with fun photos of you and your friends and those who love you. Go make new experiences in life and frame them!
Read: Moving house after a breakup: 9 tips for creating an uplifting new home
14. Meet up with single friends!
If you don't have any singles to hang out with, join a singles group (anything and everything from singles tennis, running, gardening, yoga, book clubs and more) and get out there. Find other divorcees to hang out with and laugh about life's new challenges - Meetups and Facebook groups in your areas are great places to start. You're on a new path. Embrace this journey with like-minded people. And, most importantly, look and feel great doing so!
15. Don't sit at home alone.
Okay, granted, this one is a little difficult if we've been in a relationship and let our friendships slip. But force yourself to get up and off that couch! No matter what, it's better to be out for a few hours greeting strangers with a smile, or socialising and mingling than bored, depressed, angry and miserable while home alone. Being alone is not fun when you are divorced. If your ex has the kids, make sure to have plans on those evenings so you're not crying the blues all by yourself. Keep busy! Sign up for new classes! Call a friend, grab a bite and take your mind off things for a couple of hours. Go to the movies! Comedies are an excellent remedy for the stress and misery of post-divorce life, and there's plenty available on TV, Youtube and streaming apps. Who doesn't feel better after a good laugh?
16. Don't bash and blame.
Divorce sucks. There's no need to sugarcoat it. It's painful and awful - but it's over. You are free to move on. Don't bash your ex or blame them for what happened in the past. Join a support group, visit a therapist, take a boxing class, meditate, walk outdoors — do whatever it takes to release and vent in a healthy fashion — just don't be a hater and talk badly about your failed relationship. "It just didn't work it. We tried." The less negativity in your life, the more positivity can flow in and carry you forward.
Published by:
Published by, Christine Weston
Founding Director and Creator of Divorce Resource
Australian Nationally Accredited Mediator and Divorce Coach
This article contains general information only. For advice regarding your own personal circumstances, always seek individual advice from a qualified professional. Read the full Divorce Resource.com.au Disclaimer here
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5 things nobody tells you about divorce
50 things I’ve done since my divorce that you should do too
How to think optimistically about your future after separation
If you have decided to end your relationship, you should start to educate yourself. I know the overwhelming feelings of making these decisions and facing your new realities. My book, The First Steps through Separation and Divorce will guide you through the emotional and practical aspects you may need to address in the coming weeks, months and years.
Get a feel for what's covered: View the Table of Contents.
