So, ladies, this one’s for you.

Do you remember the days when you were happily married? 

To be frank, I’m struggling to. It was such a long time ago, but I do remember it was during that period when the first of our flock of friends separated.

The girls rallied around our heartbroken friend and offered what I now know to be pretty average advice. You’d better 'get a bloody good lawyer' and 'stash some cash' seemed to be the consensus. 

We washed down our pearls of wisdom with glasses ... and glasses of cold Chardy.

Our private thoughts, and eventually the conversation, turned to what we would do if, God forbid, it was us in her shoes.

My marriage showed signs very early that I was headed that way, though I wasn’t letting anyone in on that, so I was interested in the conversation. But, I was hopeful that things would get better when I wasn’t so “new mummy”. They didn’t.

One of my girlfriends said, “I couldn’t stand to be on my own, I’d marry the next half decent guy that came along.” To me she had the most solid of all of our marriages, they seemed so well suited, deeply in love, a great team and I found it odd that she would think that way.

I seem to recall my ruling thought was, “Why on earth would I ever remarry? I don't want any more children and there would have to be something wrong with a single man my age willing to take on a divorced mum.” 

Fifteen years later, I am well out the other side of a divorce. I’ve recently moved in with my new partner of over 3 years. These days, marriage to me, although not on the cards at the moment, is something I would like to see in my future.

Much to my shock, my friend recently separated.  She is heartbroken and all she wants to do is be on her own and lick her wounds.  Dating, relationships and remarrying couldn’t be further from her mind.

Time … it changes a lot of things, doesn’t it?

I remember that feeling; the exhaustion, overwhelm and sadness of separation. For a long time, and after my first few new relationships had faded, I had no energy to cut my decrepit toenails, let alone dress up and go out on a date.

I’m not sure exactly how it came about but one day, I realised I was just ready.  I met a lovely man when I was taking photos on a riverbank. He struck up a conversation. I found myself staring at him when he wasn’t looking (or at least I thought he wasn’t). Flirting a little bit perhaps. He was younger than me. Not Hollywood handsome but he had a certain something. I enjoyed his conversation, his wit and his easy laugh.

When he asked me to join him for a coffee I felt the little shiver of newness and excitement. I realised that I was happy he did. We talked and laughed for an hour or so and I hoped he’d ask to see me again.  He lived quite a distance from me, but we saw each other for a few wonderful months on the weekends when my children were with their Dad.

It didn’t take that long for us to realise we were not the best match. He was younger than I thought he might be. And, apparently, I looked much younger than forty-two! We still send a Christmas message. He is a lovely man and I am grateful that he crossed my path.  He helped me realise I was ready to venture out into the dating world.

Here are some of the ways that you will know the time has come.

 

1. You start to portray yourself to others how you would like to be seen and not how you actually feel.

When people ask how you are, you’ll mask that you only got to sleep at 4.30am because you’re sick with worry, then proceeded to sleep through your alarm. The kids were late to school with just a piece of plain sliced bread in hand, the house is a tip, you feel completely dishevelled and it’s all your ex’s fault.  Instead, you will say, “I’m great, thanks. How are you?”  Just like a normal person!

 

2. You can answer the question, “what does your husband do?” with something calm and gracious.

I have interviewed a lot of angry women in my role at Divorce Resource and researching for my book The First Steps through Separation and Divorce.

These are a few actual responses given to the question, "What does your husband do?":

“He f*cks his physio in her treatment rooms then claims it on our medical aid”

“He’s a banker, a great big banker”

“He’s a philanderer, in fact, he's a "serial" philanderer, his latest affair was the girl in the red dress in the Special K advert.”

These answers, even when accompanied by a cynical laugh, say more about where you’re at than they do about him. And that’s a big red warning light to potential suitors to run in the opposite direction ... and fast!

If you can lose the resentment, humiliation, anger, (insert your own special brand of poison), a tremendous weight will be lifted from your shoulders. You will start to smile again.

When you hear yourself simply saying, “We’re no longer married,” you’ll know you are ready to move on and so will anyone who meets you.

 

3. You miss the companionship and intimacy of a relationship

You miss the sex, the strong arms around you. You miss sitting on the couch together watching TV on a cold winter’s night … even if he is teasing you for watching The Bachelor.

You miss dressing up and going out for an adult dinner, a cup of coffee made for you in the morning and pillow talk — sharing your thoughts and your worries with someone who’s got your back.

Sure you can live alone. You like your own company. You’ve proven to yourself you are courageous, independent and more than capable of fending for yourself. You know you don’t need or want someone to look after you, but it would be nice to find a loving partner and companion.

 

So are you ready?

If you are starting to feel that you are ready, go for it — get out there.

Let your friends and family know that you are open to invitations from anyone they know who might be suitable. Consider sites like Meetups.com. Don't be afraid to try online dating.

If you are ready and open to it accepting opportunities, in time they will come your way.

Written by Christine Weston
Divorce Resource