It’s Mental Health Week, and many of us feel that our child, referred to by mental health professionals as our ‘Young Person’, may be struggling to cope emotionally with the many changes and challenges in their life. There’s little doubt in our mind that they’d benefit from the support and the independent sounding board offered by a psychologist or counsellor, but how do you approach this matter with your child.
They are not sick; they are a work in progress
Telling your young person that they are mentally unwell and need to see someone to fix them is not the right approach. It sends the message that there is something wrong with them and they need someone else, a professional, to sort them out. A psychologist isn’t like a plumber to a blocked drain. They can’t just fix that problem in one visit. And, perhaps there's no real 'problem' to be 'fixed'. It's more likely just that they just need a little guidance transitioning through the current changes in their life.
A better approach is to help your child to understand that like all of us, they too are a work in progress. They are learning many different life skills, and it’s not easy. It doesn’t all come at once, and it’s pretty unlikely they’ll learn all the skills that would benefit them throughout the various stages of their life from their parents and friends or in the same manner they learn from their teachers at school.
Think of how they learned to ride a bike, probably starting off with trainer wheels, and almost certainly with someone who knew how to ride well helping them to keep their balance when they were just beginning.
Now, once they learn to ride under their own steam, that might be all they need but if they wanted to compete in cycling races, then they should perhaps get some pointers from others who also compete. And, if they wanted to compete at say, national level, then they would need some advanced coaching; not because they can’t make the bike work, stay on balance, and physically get from A to B, but because cycling has become more important to them, and their skills will be enhanced, and performance improved with specialist coaching.
There are many situations and changes that happen in a child’s life before they are developmentally ready to cope. In my line of work with Divorce Resource and through lived experience, I see stress and anxiety manifesting often in young people whose parents are separating. They may have had to move home, mum and dad are more stressed than usual, there's a lot of change that makes them feel anxious. Their brains are suddenly thinking up potential scenarios for their future that are scary and worrying. Often these children need skills they just haven’t mastered yet.
Extending the cycling analogy to the range of pursuits we engage in, which can be likened to the various emotional and developmental stages we experience, you will see that throughout a child’s life, there will be a range of challenges and opportunities to learn new coping skills.
Finding the best coach for the job is going to help them to get through, with an improved ability to cope, and potentially to thrive. And no, parents, even if you are a cycling champion, you may not be the best person for the job. Your child is more likely to gain from the input of a specialist race coach, and one who has a different perspective to yours.
It can be difficult to broach the subject of seeing a counsellor, especially with emotional teenagers. Avoid raising it in an argument or immediately after an emotional outburst.
With younger children, they are more likely to be guided by your initial decision and your task is to help them to feel comfortable about the visits and with sharing their thoughts and feelings.
If your older child is especially anxious or upset, mention that it might help to talk to an expert and you can talk about it later when they are feeling stronger. If the matter requires urgent intervention, try to convince them to take action right in that instant by making an appointment with a psychologist, school counsellor or GP, visiting the hospital emergency department with you or contacting support services such as Headspace, Lifeline or BeyondBlue.
Visit our Divorce Resource Crisis Support Listings for more available services to adults, youth and children.
It can be helpful to show your own vulnerability by admitting you are not equipped to help them, support them yes, of course, but to truly learn the skills they need, they would be better off speaking with a professionally trained person, who is helping people through these types of challenges every day.
So, find a quiet time to let your child know that you, and their other parent, are also under construction. In the same way they are learning, so are you.
Explain to them that you’re looking at a few visits with a psych as a learning opportunity and skills development sessions for both of you.
Use the same language with your child and all of the health professionals you interact with. For example, if you visit your GP with your child to get a Mental Health Care Plan or a referral, say you are there together as you are looking to find someone to coach and guide you both to build new skills. If the GP starts referring to your child as being unwell or broken with things that need to be ‘fixed’, gently steer the conversation back to developing new coping skills, learning together and being proactive in managing the common challenges faced by many young people and their parents. If there are things you feel you need to discuss with a health professional which may contradict this line of conversation, make sure this is done when the young person is not in the room.
Helping the young person to choose effectively
Many young people are reluctant to see a psychologist and a lot of the time it is because of worrying, and often incorrect, assumptions they have made about what will happen when they go for the session.
Help them explore the realities of what actually happens. And, what better way to do this than through lived experience.
If you as a parent haven’t ever been through any counselling, perhaps it’s time you did.
Ask them about what they are expecting to happen? Let your young person know that it is normal to feel anxious when you are trying something new and especially when it is personal and emotional. Remind them of other times when they thought something would be horrendous, and it turned out okay once they got on with it.
Reassure that them that you will be right there with them, for as long as they would like you to be. Older children frequently have the opposite concern that you will be there with them when they’d rather you weren’t! Assure them that psychologists are bound by a code of ethics which means they can talk openly, and in confidence about the issues that are concerning them.
Try to encourage your young person to at least try it once or twice to find out what’s involved for themselves. Explain that just as there are some people they know that they like more than others, this can be the case with therapists. Encourage them to try a few different psychologists if they don’t feel they have a good rapport straight away.
Talk to your child about how we usually make better decisions when you have all of the information and that going to a session or two will ensure that they are making an informed decision about whether to continue or not.
If your child engages, praise them for their bravery in a time of vulnerability but leave it at that, don’t continue to badger them about how it went or what was discussed. Always let them lead with feedback.
Depending on the age of your child, a psychologist may not talk with you specifically about the content of their meetings, however, they will be able to discuss strategies for continuing the sessions if the young person is reluctant but you believe it would be in their best interests.
When should we seek help?
This is a tricky question, but my feeling as a parent is that if your child is exhibiting behaviour that is worrying to you, or telling you that they are struggling with certain aspects of their world, then it’s not too early to do something about seeking guidance.
Think about that cyclist again; it is far easier to give them the map, the repair kit and the necessary tools to stay in touch if they find themselves out of their depth and needing help when you first notice, or they tell you they are setting out on an epic off-road expedition, rather than trying to find them when they have veered well off course and become lost or injured.
My psychologist friend tells me it is easier for her to support healthy development to navigate what might otherwise become a crisis, if a young person comes in to chat when the difficulties first present.
Getting help right now
As a generation, today’s young people are struggling with a lower sense of well-being than any generation before them. We are fortunate in Australia the government has recognised that the youth of this country, indeed the whole developed world, are facing challenges we never had to face and there is generous funding of support and intervention initiatives.
There are a number of programs that receive support from the government for early intervention for young people facing challenges.
Headspace is the National Youth Mental Health Foundation providing early intervention mental health services to 12-25-year-olds.
The service is designed to make it as easy as possible for a young person and their family to access the help they need for problems affecting their wellbeing.
This covers four core areas:
- mental health,
- physical health,
- work and study support, and
- alcohol and other drug services.
Headspace centres are located throughout Australia and are staffed with people who are trained and ready to help.
New centres are planned to open across the country but if there isn't a Headspace centre near you or the young person you know who would benefit from their support, you can telephone 1800 650 890 or get immediate chat online support through eheadspace.
You may also like to try : Smiling Minds
Published by, Christine Weston
Founding Director and Creator of Divorce Resource
The information in this article is general in nature and should not be considered as professional advice. You should seek the advice of a registered professional who will be able to appropriately assess your specific circumstances before offering their expert opinion.
You may also like to read:
How to combat overwhelm and anxiety attacks
How to think optimistically about your future after separation
How to harness the power of your transition
7 Ways parents can help children cope with separation and divorce
How to minimise conflict and costs in divorce property settlement
#MentalHealthWeek #MentalHealth
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