First Split Family Christmas? How to minimise the emotional kick in the guts

Friday, 8 December, 2017

This time of year can be stressful at the best of times but if you are staring down the barrel of not seeing your little angels on the one day a year which screams “family” it is a killer!

And, worse still if it is the first time you have had to confront the reality of a Split Christmas.

Emotions run high around the holiday season. The chore list increases, social engagements get hectic for both you and the kids and normal parenting routines are often disrupted.

You rush to meet deadlines and juggle the ever-changing plans for family gatherings and year-end functions. Finances and nerves are strained.

Here are 5 tips to help you navigate through the next few weeks smoothly.

1. Create a new tradition

At this time of year, there are significant dates on which you may be without your children entirely or perhaps see them for only part of the day.

That's difficult to deal with, particularly if it has been a long-standing tradition that you've always looked forward to and this is the first time a change has been forced upon you. Even if you've always dreaded the traditional family routines, oddly enough, it's still going to hurt that they are no longer possible.

Try creating another event or action which you can celebrate annually from this year on. Whatever you choose to do, try to come up with an idea that isn't date dependent.

In our family, we have “Tree Night”. We gather with family and friends to decorate our tree. We've been doing it since I separated 10 years ago and realised that every second year, my kids would be spending several weeks over Christmas far away from me with their dad.

Each year we schedule Tree Night on a random date in the few weeks before Christmas that suits all of us in the family. As the boys have grown older and have their own agendas, the flexibility in the date has really worked for us.

Perhaps you could consider a family dinner with a Secret Santa or a card making or baking day. Anything will do so long as it is fun, can grow with your children and be scheduled on any arbitrary date around the festive season.

By creating a completely new tradition, it is something that will be yours; part of your new life. You are in control of it. You can hold it whenever it suits you and it is something which with time, will become a fun family tradition.

Think of it as a long-term investment and imagine the advantage, as your children get older and find partners of their own, of having a special family day which doesn't have to compete with the traditions of other families.

It's a lovely ten-year tradition for us. I love it! My teenage kids "tolerate" it (with a big smile), but it's mainly been their friends over the years who start asking in November "when's Tree Night this year?" With three grown-up stepdaughters in my world for our third year, I've had 5 young adults asking me to get my act together and set a date so they can organise their calendars.

Start a new tradition this year. You'll be glad you did.

2. Always, always, always present a united front when you are in front of, or within earshot, of your children.

No exceptions! Conflict in front of your children is never good. This time of year when plans are being made and both parents are feeling wounded and uncertain about how events will play out is a perfect breeding ground for power struggles and arguments. Accept that there will have to be some compromising by both of you. Discuss in private and present in public. A calm and united front about the arrangements around the festive season is the greatest gift you can give your child.

3. Consider providing funds or helping your child to make a gift to give to their other parent.

It is not about how you feel about the other parent right now. You may not love each other anymore but your child loves both of you. Focus on how your child will feel about themselves when they are able to hand over a small gift. Providing funding to older children to shop, or a small gift for younger children to give is an act of kindness by you towards your child.

4. Keep the lines of communication open with the other parent

Start discussing the arrangements early enough with your spouse to give you both time to check with other family members and make the plans which will work best for everyone.

Communicate the plans to your children clearly, and with as much advanced warning as possible, so they are not left wondering. Try to accommodate the wishes of older children who may also want to spend time with friends.

Email is the preferred communication method between parents so you have a written record of plans, which is easily accessible. Remember to keep all messages short, headed with the topic being discussed and limited to points relating to arrangements for the children.

If it is too difficult to discuss plans in person or via email, then consider using an independent mediator to help you reach workable arrangements in a civil way.

If plans change, be sure to communicate this to the other parent as soon as possible.

Remember, every email could be used as a possible evidence exhibit if you are involved in litigation – highly unlikely in most instances, but possible. Avoid long, accusatory correspondence. If you need to vent, type the longer email, sit on it for 24 hours and then decide if you still want to send it.

It’s helpful to imagine that your ex-spouse will forward it to their new partner, family or friend. Now, do you still really want to say that and have someone else read it?

5. Use a parenting App or shared calendar

It's a very busy time of year and it is so easy for either parent or the children to forget tasks and appointments. Consider using one of the Parenting Apps/Calendars available for smart-phones to record and share information about appointments, change over dates, special family events, school, extracurricular activities and doctor appointments to eliminate the finger pointing later, and the “how-was-I-to-knows” when the kids are left stranded.

Older children can also share in the calendar and update it with their dates and requirements. If your house is like mine, there's every likelihood they'll be more proficient at setting it all up than you are!

By doing your bit to maintain “Peace on Earth” and “Joy to the World”; by interacting as civilly as possible with your child’s other parent, you are providing your child with the best possible model of adult behaviour and showing them that you really are putting them first.

If you need emotional support throughout the festive season, please, don't be afraid to ask for help. To check out a comprehensive list of support services across Australia, CLICK HERE

Wishing you a safe, healthy and joyous festive season.

Divorce information Australia

Published by, Christine Weston
Founding Director and Creator of Divorce Resource