Back to School After Holiday Divorce

Tuesday, 2 January, 2018

School is about to start again and that means back to routine for most families but if you and your spouse decided to separate during the holidays, the old routine is in the trash and it’s going to be a whole world of uncertainty for your child.

It can be a great feeling to have woken up the day after you’ve separated, rolled over and realised your ex-partner isn’t there and you’ll never have to wake up and look at them again.

Sadly, when you have children together, there is a sobering thought that follows soon thereafter … oh no, we have kids together and I am tied to that idiot/psycho/loser (name your poison) for years to come. With school about to commence, unless there are orders excluding the other parent from contact or shared parental responsibility, you and your ex-partner need to communicate and put plans in place to help ease the transition for your child.

There may be changes to living arrangements, the amount of time spent with each parent, perhaps even a change of school. When you decide to separate, it also means change for you as a parent and it's important to consciously consider the things you can do to help your child to cope with their new realities.

The most important thing to remember is just because you are no longer husband and wife (or whatever form your intimate relationship took), you are still mum and dad. And, you may not love each other but your child still loves both of you.

It won't be easy but ...

Your new circumstances mean decisions have to be made to take care of the day-to-day logistics while keeping the longer-term goals in mind. For the sake of your child, you need to be civil, present a united front and decide how you are going to manage the transition, and here’s the kicker, with your child’s best interests front of mind, always.

It’s not easy. There’s bound to be tension between the two of you. Your child will be painfully aware of this and they may even be nervous themselves about how you will behave in front of their peers. This is particularly the case for older children, so don’t let them down.

Be assured, they are watching you.

It could be a great opportunity to model gracious behaviour in front of your child when you are deciding things like who will take the child to start of school, where the “starting big school” photos will be taken and whose house the child will go to after their first day.

To help with the transition, I canvased single parents with lived experience as well as child specialists to compile this helpful list of tips. Some of the points may seem a little overly protective for parents who are used to their child being resilient and self-sufficient. Perhaps they may be for your child, but rather overcompensate than the alternative, and don’t underestimate how unsettling a family breakup can be for even the most robust of children.

Before school starts

Make sure your child has all their books, stationery requirements and uniform packed or laid out and ready to go the night before school starts.

Communicate to your child as early as possible who will be taking them to school and who will be collecting them at the day’s end.

Make sure you are clear between both parents and your child exactly where the collection point is so there is no anxiety for your child around feeling as though they have been forgotten.
If your child is starting at a new school, or if they are taking a new route from a new home, visit the school before the first day to familiarise yourselves with the layout or do a practice run on the new route before the first day.
Keep an eye on your child for signs of separation anxiety which is common in children whose parents are separating and may manifest as behaviours such as being clingy and tearful, regression to baby talk, wetting the bed, wanting to sleep with you or not go to sleepovers or worrying that you may get hurt or have an accident. Some children may experience depression and insecurities which lead to sullenness or destructive behaviours. It may be worth scheduling some sessions during the holiday period for advice and counselling to help your child (and yourself) process the changes, before school starts and life gets busy again.

Communicating with the school

Decide which parent will handle school administrative issues. This doesn’t mean both of you don’t need to be informed and involved. It just means one parent will be the primary contact for admin issues like immunisation cards, requests from the school for additional books and the like.
Decide what the most appropriate action is in case of emergency and advise the school accordingly.
Advise the school in writing as to who is responsible for payment of any fees due and make sure that is the name that appears on the invoice. Ask for a copy of the invoice to be forwarded to both parents.
Advise the school administration and your child’s class teachers of both parents’ contact information and request that emails, reports and other school notices be sent to both of you.
Many schools use an online portal for parents to keep track of events, attendance and your child’s curriculum and grades. Ensure both parents have the login details.
If you are the non-resident parent, ask that you are advised if your child has poor or unusual attendance levels.
Letting the school know that your family circumstances changed over the holiday will be doing your child a favour as their teacher will be able to temper the response to any missed homework, a drop in scholastic performance, acting out in class, feigned illness or a change in the child’s general demeanour. They cannot support your child if they do not know what is happening at home.
Ask the school for advice and assistance. They have seen family breakdowns many times before and often have useful resources (books, online information or counsellors) available to parents and pupils.
If there is any form of a protection order in place or there are people restricted from contacting or accessing your child, make sure that all appropriate members of school staff are aware of the restrictions. Give the school a copy of the orders as well as instructions on what to do in case of a breach.

Day-to-day routines

Plan to get up a little earlier than normal on the first day to make sure there’s time for a few little mishaps in the morning routine and try to keep everything as calm as possible before reaching school.
Establish a “launching pad” at each parents' home; a place for the child to keep all of their things ready for the next day at school so there is less fuss in the mornings.
Withheld information is not power when it comes to co-parenting. Share weekly schedules, timetables of important events, contact details of friends and their parents and extracurricular activity details with the other parent.
Set up a shared calendar such as Google calendar to keep everyone informed. This is particularly useful for older children who are prone to setting their own agendas and forgetting to tell both parents.
Resolve to be civil when attending school functions. If you can attend together then this will be better for your child. If you can’t, then at least be courteous to each other. Remember, your child is watching you, and they think everyone else is too … don’t let them down.
Set up some way that your child can communicate freely with their other parent after school when they are spending time with you – ie Skype, Messenger.
Create a space in each parent’s home for the child to do homework. For older children, when possible, this should be away from distractions.
Schedule a parenting meeting with the child’s teacher a few weeks into term if you have any concerns about your child coping at school.
Schedule a co-parenting meeting with your ex to discuss your child’s academic needs, successes and upcoming events. If you can’t do this civilly in person, then perhaps a phone call, email or one of the many shared-parenting apps available will work better for you but do make sure you touch base.
Share photos, milestones and anecdotes from your child’s time at school informally with your ex.
Recognise the strengths of your child’s other parent and allow them to help your child with homework or social issues they may be experiencing at school.

Keep in mind

The whole process of separating and divorce is stressful for everyone involved and when parents feud over money, spending time with the children or which school they will go to … actually, when kids witness conflict over any issues between their parents, it’s the kids who suffer. Just don’t!
School can be a great distraction for some kids who are intent on succeeding in their education and for these kids, it’s important to create an environment which allows them to focus. Eliminate your relationship drama as much as possible from their world in order to give them the security of knowing both parents are supportive of their endeavours. In doing so, be sure to stop short of pressuring them to achieve.
For kids who struggle at school, now is the time for both parents to be more engaged and communicative and less judgmental. If your efforts at home aren’t helping your child to progress, then find your child the support they need to help them do their best. Poor grades, falling behind in class and isolation from their peers on top of the emotional insecurities a family breakdown brings is a recipe for a mental health disaster. It’s much easier to catch up a few lost months than a few lost years, so pay attention. Speak to your child’s teacher about your concerns and listen to theirs if they raise them about your child. Most schools have support programs available, make use of them.
Kids are not interested in whether it’s their day to be with you or not when school events take place ... and you shouldn’t either. So what if it’s not their day? How dare you make it difficult for your child’s other parent to show up for a school event that may be remembered by them and more importantly, your child, for a lifetime. How would you feel if the event fell on a day that the kids weren’t with you?

It's going to be rough some days but ...

There’s no sugar coating on single parenting, especially when it’s all so new. It’s going to be tough at times. The new routines may seem awkward, overwhelming and there will be a sadness in many of your days when what you expected would have been shared moments, are not.

It’s likely that both parents won’t be able to tuck your little one in the night before they start a new grade at school. There will be days when you miss out on hearing the stories of the schoolyard banter or the antics of the crazy teacher of the day. Washing uniforms, preparing lunches and helping with the homework was probably easier when you had the help of an ex-partner - even if you'd always carried the lion's share of the family duties, I bet it was still easier. If the domestic stuff is all new to you, then you know it was easier when someone else did it!

With all that said, it’ is doable and you will cope.

So will your child. Most children have a resilience that many of us underestimate. And, I know your child is special and unique but really, it’s highly unlikely that they are the exception. Just how well they cope is largely dependent on you and how many obstacles you place in their way.

The greatest gift you can give your child right now, as their school year gets underway, is to not put them in a position where they must choose one parent over the other because the two of you can’t function as civil adults in the same room and can’t be trusted to attend events together in an uneventful manner.

Do your best. Do it for them.

The result of happy, relaxed children, who move freely between each of your houses, and can happily share their school day triumphs and troubles with both parents without fear of upsetting the other, is worth the effort.

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