Effective Co-Parenting After Separation in High-Conflict Situations

Co-parenting after separation can be challenging, especially in high-conflict relationships. When both parties live locally, while almost always advantageous to the children, the close proximity can add an extra layer of complexity. However, with the right strategies and mindset, it's possible to create a functional co-parenting relationship that prioritises the children's well-being.

There is no manual for parents! As a new parent, we learn along the way through various avenues and as we spend more time with our children, we become more attuned to their specific needs. Becoming a co-parent is a new form of parenting, and this can be a steep learning curve, especially when there is a high level of mistrust and conflict between you and the other parent. Reading, watching, and attending courses can be very useful. If historically you were not the primary carer for the children, this is perhaps even more important for you to increase your awareness, but may also serve to allay any argument the other parent has about your lack of hands-on parenting experience and any fears they have, real or perceived, when the children are in your care. 

 

Understanding High-Conflict Co-Parenting

High-conflict co-parenting is characterised by ongoing disputes, an inability to reach agreements, and difficult behaviour from one or both parties. In these situations, traditional co-parenting methods may not be effective, and alternative approaches like parallel parenting might be necessary.

 

Establishing Clear Boundaries

One of the most crucial steps in managing high-conflict co-parenting is setting clear boundaries:

1. Limit direct communication: Restrict interactions to essential matters concerning the children.
2. Use written communication: Opt for emails or text messages instead of face-to-face conversations or phone calls.
3. Utilise co-parenting apps: These can help manage schedules, share information, and keep communication focused and documented.

 

Developing a Detailed Parenting Plan

A comprehensive parenting plan is essential for reducing conflict and ensuring both parents understand their responsibilities:

1. Specify residential and time with parents arrangements: Clearly outline who the children will live with and when each parent will spend time with the children.
2. Define decision-making processes: Determine how major decisions about education, health, and religion will be made.
3. Establish communication protocols: Set guidelines for how and when parents will communicate about the children.
4. Plan for special occasions: Agree on arrangements for holidays, birthdays, other special days such as Mother's Day and Father's Day and attendance at school events in advance.
    

Implementing Parallel Parenting Techniques

When traditional co-parenting is too difficult, parallel parenting can be an effective alternative:

1. Separate decision-making: Each parent makes day-to-day decisions independently during their parenting time.
2. Minimise direct contact: Reduce face-to-face interactions to avoid potential conflicts.
3. Use a business-like approach: Treat the co-parenting relationship as a professional arrangement focused on the children's needs.

 

Managing Changeovers and Shared Events

Changeovers in high-conflict co-parenting relationships can be particularly challenging as it may allow for the parents to put their conflict on display to their children which will cause the child some level of distress, whether they show it or not.

1. Choose neutral locations: Use schools, daycare centres, or public places for changeovers to minimise direct contact. It is often possible, to arrange a scenario where the parents do not need to see each other if one parent drops the child to school and the other collects them. 
2. Stagger attendance at events: If both parents can't attend school functions or extracurricular activities together, consider alternating attendance or arranging separate parent-teacher meetings
3. Only communicate verbally where necessary: Changeover time is not an appropriate time to discuss matters with the other parent. It is a time for you to briefly acknowledge the other parent and allow them to enjoy the time with the children. Obviously, some things may need to be communicated to the other parent. Consider doing this via text, email or parenting app before drop-off time to minimise the opportunity for a chat to spiral into an argument.   

 

Focusing on the Children's Best Interests

Amid conflict, it's crucial to keep the children's well-being at the forefront:

1. Shield children from conflict: Never argue or discuss contentious issues in front of the children. Just NEVER! And remember that even very young children can and do overhear conversations on the phone or in person, so do not speak negatively about their parent in earshot of the children, and ensure that friends and family don't either. 
2. Avoid using children as messengers: Communicate directly with the other parent, not through the children.
3. Encourage positive relationships: Support the children's relationship with the other parent, regardless of personal feelings.
4. Don't make your child a "spy": Don't fish for information about the other parent or their lifestyle when your child returns from spending time with the other parent. 

 

Seeking Professional Support

In high-conflict situations, professional assistance can be invaluable:

1. Family dispute resolution: Consider mediation to develop a Parenting Plan to help resolve ongoing issues.
2. Legal advice: Consult a family lawyer to understand your rights and obligations under Australian family law.
3. Counselling: Individual or co-parenting counselling can help manage emotions and improve communication skills.

 

Utilising Legal and Community Resources

Australia offers several resources for separated parents:

1. Family Relationship Centres: These provide information, referrals, and dispute resolution services.
2. Family Court of Australia: Familiarise yourself with the court's resources and guidelines for separated parents.
3. Parenting Orders: If necessary, consider negotiation through a mediator or Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner to formalise an agreed Parenting Plan with an application to the Family Court for Parenting Orders by Consent, or applying for formal parenting orders as determined by a Magistrate through the court system.

 

Maintaining Self-Care and Emotional Regulation

Managing your own well-being is crucial for effective co-parenting:

1. Practice stress management: Use techniques like mindfulness or exercise to manage stress.
2. Seek support: Build a network of friends, family, or support groups to help you cope.
3. Plan in advance:  Ensure that you have plans for what to do with your time when your children are with their other parent and be sure to assure your child that you are OK and looking forward to the things you will be doing while they are away. Avoid your child leaving you and worrying that you will be sad or lonely when they are away as this can make them feel guilty. Sometimes, the reluctance of a child to spending time with their other parent displayed at changeover time is not about them not wanting to go to the other parent, but feeling guilty about leaving their other parent alone and sad. 
4. Focus on what you can control: Accept that you can't change your ex-partner's behaviour, but you can control your own responses.

 

Co-parenting after separation in a high-conflict relationship is undoubtedly challenging, especially when living in close proximity. However, by implementing these strategies, focusing on the children's needs, and seeking appropriate support, it's possible to create a functional co-parenting relationship

.Remember that the goal is not to be best mates with your ex-partner but to provide a stable, nurturing environment for your children despite the separation.By prioritising clear communication, establishing boundaries, and utilising available resources, you can navigate the complexities of high-conflict co-parenting.

Over time, with consistent effort and a child-focused approach, the conflict may decrease, leading to a more harmonious co-parenting relationship that benefits everyone involved—especially the children.

 

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Published by:

Published by, Christine Weston
Founding Director and Creator of Divorce Resource
Australian Nationally Accredited Mediator and Divorce Coach

This article contains general information only. For advice regarding your own personal circumstances, always seek individual advice from a qualified professional. Read the full Divorce Resource.com.au Disclaimer here